us vs. them has a real cost for you and there is an alternative option

In our daily lives, we often get caught in the "I vs. you" trap. We do this in our relationships, in politics, between communities, etc. If you are going to play the "us vs. them"/"I vs. you" game, you should at least know what you are actually choosing.

It is so easy for us all to play this game.  "It's your fault..." "If only they or you didn't..." "I'd have no problems if it wasn't for you doing or being..."

I get it. It feels so good to be right and to win. It feels good to have power, opportunities, freedom, and control. I have real beliefs that I identify with and they make me who I am. The chains of oppression must be cast off. You don't get to hurt me and I need you to make amends. I don't want to be alone. Anger and outrage can make me feel strong. An opponent motivates me. I can act out everything I hate about myself on you. Instead of having to really feel the fear or hurt, I can stay focused on blame. The reasoning and value goes on and on.

And yet like a seesaw, I win, they lose, which motivates them until they win, I lose which motivates me, I win, they lose... and on... and on... and on.

I continue to think this time when I win, that will be the end of it. And maybe this will still be proven truth but I'm starting to fear just playing the game of "I vs. you" will not end well for any of us and will ultimately never end.

A rule of war is to dehumanize your opponent. In order to stop or destroy someone or their way of life or their actions or beliefs, its hard to fire the shot when remembering they feel just like me... they fear just like me... they want to belong just like me. I must turn away from how we are similar in order to maintain how we are different. My hand will get shakier simply in remembering the beating heart on the other side. In essence, I must cut myself off from my own heart to take action against you. This is not to say someone hurting you is not real, it is to say that to hate them back does cost you something. To "other" them, you have to stop your compassion and understanding.

Maybe that's the price you are willing to pay "to win." I think many people make this choice consciously and unconsciously and that's ok. However, it is a real price from my vantage point. Turning off your heart isn't something you get to just do and move on. If you think the loneliness, self-doubt, hurt, oppression, and insecurity you feel is only because of them, I'm here to let you know that's not the complete truth. Turning off your heart is also a villain that creates these things and deep levels of paranoia.

Probably because I do couple's therapy, I believe a different way can and does exist. Win/win is possible but it is hard work. I have to take time to really learn what makes you tick and is motivating your actions. I have to really take responsibility for my impact on you... the hurt I have caused. I have to struggle in finding solutions that satisfy both our needs, particularly in the places where it seems we are diametrically opposed. Just being against you is sooooo much easier. I get it.

The question then for all of us is do the pros of playing "I vs. you" outweigh the costs? When you see you must check your heart, your compassion, and your understanding at the door, do you still like how winning tastes? Are you willing to work hard, not because they are winning, but for a higher purpose that attempts to end the seesaw of suffering? Are you willing to risk "losing" with a full heart or do you prefer winning with a fractured one?