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What's the point of looking deeper into your fears, your sadness, or your anger? Your life is full enough with work, relationships, responsibilities, kids, etc. that it sure appears there just isn't time to indulge your emotions, particularly the annoying ones we just don't want to deal with in the first place. So why do it? Why should you do deep tough emotional work?
Just as you have an automatic nervous system, or an automatic respiratory system, you also have an unconscious psychological system working hard inside of you. This system has tons of rules, self-beliefs, world views, and everyday strategies making meaning of your daily life and dictating your daily responses and actions. It's running 24/7 and has an imprint on every moment of every day. This system has been built by parental influence, how your needs were met or not met particularly in childhood, by difficult experiences throughout your life, and by your own internal make-up. It's malleable but becomes fairly concrete as it grows unconsciously. It tells you how you feel in general, how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about people and the world around you. Unfortunately, this mighty system has a major flaw. Imagine being a hammer. It's a great identity when you are dealing with nails but when the world turns to screws and you keep hammering, what do you think happens? What about if there is a fire, what are you going to do then? That's our unconscious psychological system and it got designed by and for a specific circumstance. On its own, it is not very good at being flexible. Left to its own devices, it can be fairly rigid. Why am I talking about your unconscious psychological system when the title of this blog was inspiring you to do tough emotional work? Through my experience, it is our emotional experiences that lead us to be able to see the wiring of our psychological system. And once we see our wiring, we can rewire ourselves. We can heal. We can change. We can have agency and choice about who we want to be and how we want to see the world. We can learn to be a screwdriver, a bucket of water, or any other tool needed. But we have to do deep tough emotional work to get there. Here's where I try to inspire you. On the other side are so so so many wonderful things: greater freewill; greater ability to enjoy; more choice; more agency; greater capacity to truly live in the present; greater ability to get your needs met; greater ability to live your true and full potential; and greater ability to adapt to different circumstances. And here's my pep talk. You can do this. You can have the life you truly desire. It's there for the taking... you just need to look inward, feel deeply, and brave the unknown. There is so much worth waiting on the other side for you. Do not fear your tough emotions, they are here for a reason. They don't want to make your life worse, they want to guide you towards yourself. They want to help you see your unconscious psychological system. They want to empower you. Do the deep tough emotional work, you won't regret it.
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I wish I had the power to remove all suffering from the world. I wish I could convince people who looked differently, acted differently, believed differently to still connect with open hearts. I wish I could rid the world of racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, islamophobia, anti-semitism, and other beliefs of mistrust and systems of oppression. I wish I could stop fear. I wish I could snap my fingers and have everyone exist as their highest and most beautiful selves. I wish I could eliminate poverty. I wish I could have each person relate to each other through the pain we share, not the stories we make up.
There is a lot of anger and hurt and division right now. I do not have the answers. I try to stay in my heart. I try to listen deeply. I try to slow down. I try to honor my emotions but not be lead astray by them. I try to have hope. I try to learn. I try to remember that I can change the world and myself. I try to stay open. I try to stay focused on my beliefs and intentions. I try to motivate myself to continue to fight for what I believe is right. I try to cry for suffering that isn't mine. I try to take care of myself. I try to take each new day, each new challenge, each new success, and each new failure as they come and not get too ahead of myself. I wish, I try, I feel, and I hope... Thank you Chicago Cubs.
Thank you for teaching me: ...what hope and faith really mean. ...that community comes out of suffering. ...that there is always next year. ...and to keep fighting. Thank you for giving me: ...yearly memories of going to Wrigley Field with my mom. ...sitting in the den watching WGN with my grandfather. ...heroes like Ron Santo, Ernie Banks, Ryan Sandberg, and so many more incredible people (not just ballplayers) to look up to and admire. Thank you for all the joy and for all the agony because life is really about both. And thank you for showing me a team that never quit, that lifted each other up, and achieved the unbelievable. I am indebted to you for all you have given me, so much more than a simple championship. Go Cubs Go! Go Cubs Go! Hey Chicago What Do You Say... Offering two cows and five chickens for my wife seems strange to me today but not long ago (and still existing in many forms today) marriage was a business transaction to support the survival of two families and hopefully the increase of status.
How I actually chose my wife was formed in a newer paradigm. This one has me choosing a loving partner, who chooses me, that is a soulmate whom is my everything and will continue to be my everything: best friend, lover, partner, etc. Many would argue there has been a positive development in moving from business to love; however, a major problem comes out of this shift. All you need is love. Love lifts us up where we belong. You had me at hello. Soulmate and love make it seem that once you find it, that's it, your enlightened all positive life has finally arrived. I'm going to let you in on something you may already know, this just isn't true. When we chose to couple out of love, we usually end up with someone reflecting our first experiences with love: we really do tend to marry some form of our mothers or fathers. And this being the case means our partners will hurt us and drive us crazy just like how our parents were able. It's not all bed of roses. Thus, I urge you to shift to an even newer paradigm. Partnership and marriage is finding someone you love enough to do the tough task of deep healing. I'm signing up to be a stand-in for your parents and you are standing in for mine... and both of us will learn to do things differently because of the ways they fucked up in the past (even the best ones). I will take time to learn that when you yell at me about the house being clean, there is a deep need to feel taken care of because of ways you didn't feel taken care of by your parents. You will learn that when I complain you focus too much on work, it is really my deep need to not be alone because I felt so alone as a kid. But here's the thing, you aren't suppose to understand your partner, love does NOT give you understanding. You did not live their life or grow up in their family. It's a learning process. You got to ask questions. You got to teach each other. You both need to understand how the past shapes the present. You have to actively listen, take notes, and practice. It's why things like couple's therapy can help. Love is only the glue to motivate the learning. So rewrite that movie script: You had me at, "hello... but can we also not solely believe love is enough, can you also teach me about your pain and needs so I may try to do things differently, which will be hard for me because it will stretch me, challenge me, and ask me to grow, but I know it will be worth it because it will help you heal, and I also know that you'll be doing the same for me, and anyways this is what a partnership really is, and we won't get this right away, and we'll have to keep trying, and we'll hurt each other like we were hurt in the past, and I'll feel bad about hurting you and angry about you hurting me, and it might take me a lifetime to really understand but I'll keep trying if you'll be patient with me and keep teaching and keep trying too, and..." You already know what I'm about to tell you. The secret to a happier life isn't a secret at all. You just need to be reminded and it won't ask that much of you. If you are anything like me, the day can get pretty filled up with lots of concrete things clamoring for your attention. What's on my agenda today? What items need to be checked off my list? Who needs this or that? Get here by this time and there by that time. Kids fed. Check. Emails answered. Check. Groceries. Check. Bills. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. But what if instead of standing in the shower worrying about all that has to get done, you took one minute to feel each water drop hit you skin?  What if as you sit at your desk all day long doing things, you took a few minutes to look deeply and anew at the things that sit there all day with you?  What if for five minutes a day, you reminded yourself to stop and be in awe of the world around you?  How might your life change?
"You're not happy, you need to do this. No, not that. Try this. Better be worried about your work. It is all on your shoulders whether you succeed. Where is your next client gonna come from? Is your relationship going well? Try harder. Do more. You're freaking out. Stop freaking out. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah."
If you are like me, your mind doesn't shut up. Most days, my mind has big plans. Focus on this, be worried about that, and on it goes. "What a beautiful sunny day. We're so lucky to live in California. Don't worry, you are destined to be a therapist and clients will come. You are surrounded by good friends and family. The world will help you and you are not alone in facing your struggles. (the sound of a violins playing)" Guess who that is? My heart has so much more peace and trust. Even writing that, I feel better. Big difference, right? And yet for me, someone designed this human experience to continue to pull me to my head (BTW I want a word with them at some point... I'd like to give them a piece of my mind- pun intended). It is so much darker in my head. There is such a drastic change in how I feel about my life when I live there. And so I have learned (and am learning) to do a daily practice of bringing myself back to my heart. My heart knows that short of starving and being homeless, there is a lot going right in my life. My heart knows how to truly live in the moment and not get lost in the fears of what might be lost or what has yet to come. My heart knows how not to think about my life but to feel and live it. When I tap into my heart, I can truly and deeply feel warmth, connection, and faith. I rarely want to punch my heart in the mouth. And so I offer this insight from my life to you as I imagine we probably share some similarities. For me, taking a run in the sunshine and stopping at the ocean helps me reconnect to my heart. And reconnecting to my heart changes everything. What's your practice?  Being an adult can kind of suck, right? All this responsibility crap: I have bills to pay, work to do, and chores around the house. And don't get me started on stress? Not only is there the daily stuff but then I worry about this and am exhausted by that.
Adding to my chaos is my three-year-old son Tobias. Yes, thank you for your sympathy. However, the more I watch my son, the more I realize that he has something really valuable to teach me. He has some real wisdom even as a young child. We all have such wisdom as kids. In youth, we knew something that we often forget as adults... the power of play. When my son wakes up, one of the first things he says is, "come play with me." COME PLAY WITH ME. That's how he starts each and every day! That's how he manages the sadness of when I have to go to work. That's how he manages the chaos of not knowing a lot about what's happening around him. That's how he manages the things that scare him. Come play with me. Pretty powerful words if you ask me. Think about how you feel when you play? Think about how you hold struggle or challenges? Think about where you heart, mind, and soul are when you are playing? Exactly. It changes the color of the day. It brings a lightness that is so readily available in children that seems to be harder to find as adults. It often doesn't even matter to Tobias what play we do, just that we play. We can read books. We can build blocks. We can fly airplanes around the room. I've come to discover that "come play with me" is really more about a state of being than a specific event. It's about us being together. Enjoying ourselves and each other. Exploring the world. Trying on different roles and experiences. Not getting too attached to any one thing. It's really at its heart about connecting to a certain way of feeling about oneself and the world around us. So my challenge to you is to bring play back into your life. Bring play to those chores. Bring play to your work. Bring play to therapy. You will be a happier human being for you will reconnect to a vital and deeply wired state of your soul... ask any child. So come play with me. I currently have space available on Mondays and Thursdays in San Francisco and Wednesdays in El Cerrito. I write today in the name of marriage and to discuss what seems to be a golden opportunity for all of us. First off, I must take a moment to honor the struggle, pain, suffering, and resilience of the LGBTQI community. I'm deeply sorry for the path it took to get us here (and for the struggle that will still continue). I understand human nature's fear of the other and power structures use for dividing us but it will never justify the reality of sorrow that it creates. I can only hope that together we continue to march forward faster and with more purpose towards love, acceptance, and interconnection.
In light of this historic moment, I write to ask that we all use this opportunity to examine what "marriage" really means in American society today. As a couple's counselor, I see the myth of marriage cause strife and struggle to many a relationship. "All you need is love" and "Happily ever after" are distortions that impact marriage. While we expand the notion of who can get married, let us also expand the notion of just what marriage is... and let us expand that notion to hold it as a lot of work, as unpleasant at times, and most definitely as something that is not a fairy tale. Yes it is love that lifts us up to wanting to make a declaration of that love through the commitment of marriage (and I'm so glad all people now have the right to make that declaration) but that euphoria is only one stage of many in the road of marriage. And there are many stages. Beauty and attraction change. Who we are changes. Our wants and goals change. It's hard enough to sometimes do this alone but add doing it with another and it can get complicated. Add kids to the mix. Say it with me, marriage can be hard. So while we rejoice as a nation, let us also use this opportunity to talk openly and honestly about what marriage is, what are its pros and cons, what people really need to know before entering such a commitment, and how best to make it strong for each and every one of us. I personally look forward to learning a lot from the LGBTQI community on this topic. Relationships make us feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. There are a multitude of stages: the honeymoon period, dating, marriage, children, etc. However, throughout it all, there is an inevitable pressure both men and women put on their partners (regardless of sexual orientation) and it's "be what I need you to be so I feel _____ ." And boy do we fight for what we need and dig our feet in and do this on both sides, landing in that age old tug'o'war that relationships experience. Usually that blank has to do with whatever wound is leftover from our childhood. In many ways, we ask our partners to be the "parent" that we didn't have... not necessarily be our parent but do what they didn't do for us. The humor of life is that ironically we often date individuals that mirror the same aspects as our parents so that pressure is even more twisted: "be what I need you to be so I feel ______... even though it isn't in your nature to do what I need." And why do you think a lot of relationships don't get out of the dating stage :)
But there's hope! What I am learning from my marriage is not only my attempt to support my partner in her needs is the very definition of commitment and love, but it actually pushes me to be a better and more well rounded person. And that's important. A problem I experience is I often go to the feeling of it as a demand but really it's an invitation to grow. I don't succeed all the time but now I try to see how fulfilling deep needs for her, improves me as well. I invite you to both be aware of what needs you are truly asking your partner to fulfill and how fulfilling needs for your partner can be a gift for both of you. If you are human, and like myself, you probably make New Year Resolutions that you end up not fulfilling. Why is that?
How to change is a topic that everyone deals with in their life. Countless books are sold yearly with tips and tricks and we all make countless attempts at it only to find ourselves back to where we once began. It's my belief that this is the case because we end up focusing too much on the specific change versus the environment we live in. We try to change ourselves in isolation instead of first changing or deepening our support systems . No one changes without being safe first and safety comes from who and what is around us. It comes from support. Let's step back for a second. Usually it is our internal emotional world that lets us know something is off. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling depressed. I'm itchy in my skin. I'm bored. I want to lose weight. I want to learn (fill in the blank). The list goes on. Here is where we find the motivation, desire, and ultimately the direction of change. However, the mistake we make is placing the ability to change in this internal realm too. Don't get me wrong, you and I have an incredible internal ability to change; however, it is support that opens full access to it. Changing means being uncomfortable. Changing means making mistakes. Changing means falling down or regressing. In these places, we absolutely and fundamentally need support to continue forward. Like the child learning to walk, the parent is a necessary part of the process in being the one to help brush off the bruises. This is how and why therapy works. It helps to create an external support system, and thus creates the environment for real change to be possible. So on January 1st, instead of the usual "I'm going to change _____ about myself" tell yourself: "I'm going to use my friendship with so and so in order to change ______" or "I'm going to get involved in that yoga class in support of feeling more ______" or (add your success story to the comments on what externally supported you to change). |
AuthorJosh Stern is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #96003 located in the Bay Area Archives
November 2019
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