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If you are human, and like myself, you probably make New Year Resolutions that you end up not fulfilling. Why is that?
How to change is a topic that everyone deals with in their life. Countless books are sold yearly with tips and tricks and we all make countless attempts at it only to find ourselves back to where we once began. It's my belief that this is the case because we end up focusing too much on the specific change versus the environment we live in. We try to change ourselves in isolation instead of first changing or deepening our support systems . No one changes without being safe first and safety comes from who and what is around us. It comes from support. Let's step back for a second. Usually it is our internal emotional world that lets us know something is off. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling depressed. I'm itchy in my skin. I'm bored. I want to lose weight. I want to learn (fill in the blank). The list goes on. Here is where we find the motivation, desire, and ultimately the direction of change. However, the mistake we make is placing the ability to change in this internal realm too. Don't get me wrong, you and I have an incredible internal ability to change; however, it is support that opens full access to it. Changing means being uncomfortable. Changing means making mistakes. Changing means falling down or regressing. In these places, we absolutely and fundamentally need support to continue forward. Like the child learning to walk, the parent is a necessary part of the process in being the one to help brush off the bruises. This is how and why therapy works. It helps to create an external support system, and thus creates the environment for real change to be possible. So on January 1st, instead of the usual "I'm going to change _____ about myself" tell yourself: "I'm going to use my friendship with so and so in order to change ______" or "I'm going to get involved in that yoga class in support of feeling more ______" or (add your success story to the comments on what externally supported you to change).
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For some reason we seem to forget the full levels of our strength and capacity as human beings. I see it in myself, my friends and family, and in my clients. As we get older, we understandably protect ourselves from pain and discomfort. Unlike the child, we remember and we begin to fear. We do all sorts of things, even things not in our best interest, in the name of protection. However, I'm here to remind us, you and I, that we are actually very strong. That in reality, we and others can go through extreme levels of adversity and come out not only the other side but even in better positions than believed possible. Our hearts yearn for growth and transformation and only lead us where we are capable. It is our mind, our memories, our pain that stop us but I'm here to say it is okay to let go. Your strength is there. You will be okay.
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AuthorJosh Stern is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #96003 located in the Bay Area Archives
November 2019
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