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Hopefully, you have had the chance to love someone in your life, and if you have, I'm sorry to inform you but you probably have made a common mistake.
When I'm asked about my love for someone, I often look into my heart and search for a particular feeling there. Ah yes, there it is, my heart yearns for them and there is that indescribable yet totally known feeling. I love you. And yet, you and I make a faulty assumption here: since I feel it, you must also feel it. Not that you must also love me, but you must know I love you since I know and feel it towards you. Wrong. Sorry. Here's the rub in relationship. Although having love for someone is important, translating that love into their love language is equally important. What do I mean by this? My wife loves me but I really feel that love when she shows it to me in particular ways. And these ways often come from my childhood (and potentially innate desires). I was a second child in my particular family system and thus, I was the one to enter an already established environment. This meant I created a belief that I had to move towards others to connect and feel love instead of others moving towards me. Unconsciously, that was a hard rule to live by and thus it created a love language need where I truly FEEL love when someone moves towards me. Back to my wife, this means I only really feel her love when she: hugs me randomly, is truly curious about my day and life, when she seems to internally deal with her own needs while she addresses mine, etc. etc. etc. She feels her love for me without doubts or qualifications, but I only feel it when it expresses itself through this particular love language desire (someone coming towards me). And of course, I married a person who is more independently minded and likes her space because that's what we do, we fall in love with people that mirror our childhoods. Therefore, expressing her love for me in my needed way is not necessarily natural for her. And I'm not picking on my wife here because I am just the same. She has a particular love language and I equally am unnatural in expressing love they way she needs it expressed so she can feel it for a host of reasons. So what does loving someone really mean? We mistakenly think loving someone means having an internal feeling of love for them when in actually, it's the art of learning their love language and acting on it so they are the one's feeling the love. This is true for husbands, wives, children, friends, etc. You and I must take time to listen, understand, and practice their love language. Love is an active art-form, not an internal feeling.
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In our daily lives, we often get caught in the "I vs. you" trap. We do this in our relationships, in politics, between communities, etc. If you are going to play the "us vs. them"/"I vs. you" game, you should at least know what you are actually choosing.
It is so easy for us all to play this game. "It's your fault..." "If only they or you didn't..." "I'd have no problems if it wasn't for you doing or being..." I get it. It feels so good to be right and to win. It feels good to have power, opportunities, freedom, and control. I have real beliefs that I identify with and they make me who I am. The chains of oppression must be cast off. You don't get to hurt me and I need you to make amends. I don't want to be alone. Anger and outrage can make me feel strong. An opponent motivates me. I can act out everything I hate about myself on you. Instead of having to really feel the fear or hurt, I can stay focused on blame. The reasoning and value goes on and on. And yet like a seesaw, I win, they lose, which motivates them until they win, I lose which motivates me, I win, they lose... and on... and on... and on. I continue to think this time when I win, that will be the end of it. And maybe this will still be proven truth but I'm starting to fear just playing the game of "I vs. you" will not end well for any of us and will ultimately never end. A rule of war is to dehumanize your opponent. In order to stop or destroy someone or their way of life or their actions or beliefs, its hard to fire the shot when remembering they feel just like me... they fear just like me... they want to belong just like me. I must turn away from how we are similar in order to maintain how we are different. My hand will get shakier simply in remembering the beating heart on the other side. In essence, I must cut myself off from my own heart to take action against you. This is not to say someone hurting you is not real, it is to say that to hate them back does cost you something. To "other" them, you have to stop your compassion and understanding. Maybe that's the price you are willing to pay "to win." I think many people make this choice consciously and unconsciously and that's ok. However, it is a real price from my vantage point. Turning off your heart isn't something you get to just do and move on. If you think the loneliness, self-doubt, hurt, oppression, and insecurity you feel is only because of them, I'm here to let you know that's not the complete truth. Turning off your heart is also a villain that creates these things and deep levels of paranoia. Probably because I do couple's therapy, I believe a different way can and does exist. Win/win is possible but it is hard work. I have to take time to really learn what makes you tick and is motivating your actions. I have to really take responsibility for my impact on you... the hurt I have caused. I have to struggle in finding solutions that satisfy both our needs, particularly in the places where it seems we are diametrically opposed. Just being against you is sooooo much easier. I get it. The question then for all of us is do the pros of playing "I vs. you" outweigh the costs? When you see you must check your heart, your compassion, and your understanding at the door, do you still like how winning tastes? Are you willing to work hard, not because they are winning, but for a higher purpose that attempts to end the seesaw of suffering? Are you willing to risk "losing" with a full heart or do you prefer winning with a fractured one? Offering two cows and five chickens for my wife seems strange to me today but not long ago (and still existing in many forms today) marriage was a business transaction to support the survival of two families and hopefully the increase of status.
How I actually chose my wife was formed in a newer paradigm. This one has me choosing a loving partner, who chooses me, that is a soulmate whom is my everything and will continue to be my everything: best friend, lover, partner, etc. Many would argue there has been a positive development in moving from business to love; however, a major problem comes out of this shift. All you need is love. Love lifts us up where we belong. You had me at hello. Soulmate and love make it seem that once you find it, that's it, your enlightened all positive life has finally arrived. I'm going to let you in on something you may already know, this just isn't true. When we chose to couple out of love, we usually end up with someone reflecting our first experiences with love: we really do tend to marry some form of our mothers or fathers. And this being the case means our partners will hurt us and drive us crazy just like how our parents were able. It's not all bed of roses. Thus, I urge you to shift to an even newer paradigm. Partnership and marriage is finding someone you love enough to do the tough task of deep healing. I'm signing up to be a stand-in for your parents and you are standing in for mine... and both of us will learn to do things differently because of the ways they fucked up in the past (even the best ones). I will take time to learn that when you yell at me about the house being clean, there is a deep need to feel taken care of because of ways you didn't feel taken care of by your parents. You will learn that when I complain you focus too much on work, it is really my deep need to not be alone because I felt so alone as a kid. But here's the thing, you aren't suppose to understand your partner, love does NOT give you understanding. You did not live their life or grow up in their family. It's a learning process. You got to ask questions. You got to teach each other. You both need to understand how the past shapes the present. You have to actively listen, take notes, and practice. It's why things like couple's therapy can help. Love is only the glue to motivate the learning. So rewrite that movie script: You had me at, "hello... but can we also not solely believe love is enough, can you also teach me about your pain and needs so I may try to do things differently, which will be hard for me because it will stretch me, challenge me, and ask me to grow, but I know it will be worth it because it will help you heal, and I also know that you'll be doing the same for me, and anyways this is what a partnership really is, and we won't get this right away, and we'll have to keep trying, and we'll hurt each other like we were hurt in the past, and I'll feel bad about hurting you and angry about you hurting me, and it might take me a lifetime to really understand but I'll keep trying if you'll be patient with me and keep teaching and keep trying too, and..." I write today in the name of marriage and to discuss what seems to be a golden opportunity for all of us. First off, I must take a moment to honor the struggle, pain, suffering, and resilience of the LGBTQI community. I'm deeply sorry for the path it took to get us here (and for the struggle that will still continue). I understand human nature's fear of the other and power structures use for dividing us but it will never justify the reality of sorrow that it creates. I can only hope that together we continue to march forward faster and with more purpose towards love, acceptance, and interconnection.
In light of this historic moment, I write to ask that we all use this opportunity to examine what "marriage" really means in American society today. As a couple's counselor, I see the myth of marriage cause strife and struggle to many a relationship. "All you need is love" and "Happily ever after" are distortions that impact marriage. While we expand the notion of who can get married, let us also expand the notion of just what marriage is... and let us expand that notion to hold it as a lot of work, as unpleasant at times, and most definitely as something that is not a fairy tale. Yes it is love that lifts us up to wanting to make a declaration of that love through the commitment of marriage (and I'm so glad all people now have the right to make that declaration) but that euphoria is only one stage of many in the road of marriage. And there are many stages. Beauty and attraction change. Who we are changes. Our wants and goals change. It's hard enough to sometimes do this alone but add doing it with another and it can get complicated. Add kids to the mix. Say it with me, marriage can be hard. So while we rejoice as a nation, let us also use this opportunity to talk openly and honestly about what marriage is, what are its pros and cons, what people really need to know before entering such a commitment, and how best to make it strong for each and every one of us. I personally look forward to learning a lot from the LGBTQI community on this topic. Relationships make us feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. There are a multitude of stages: the honeymoon period, dating, marriage, children, etc. However, throughout it all, there is an inevitable pressure both men and women put on their partners (regardless of sexual orientation) and it's "be what I need you to be so I feel _____ ." And boy do we fight for what we need and dig our feet in and do this on both sides, landing in that age old tug'o'war that relationships experience. Usually that blank has to do with whatever wound is leftover from our childhood. In many ways, we ask our partners to be the "parent" that we didn't have... not necessarily be our parent but do what they didn't do for us. The humor of life is that ironically we often date individuals that mirror the same aspects as our parents so that pressure is even more twisted: "be what I need you to be so I feel ______... even though it isn't in your nature to do what I need." And why do you think a lot of relationships don't get out of the dating stage :)
But there's hope! What I am learning from my marriage is not only my attempt to support my partner in her needs is the very definition of commitment and love, but it actually pushes me to be a better and more well rounded person. And that's important. A problem I experience is I often go to the feeling of it as a demand but really it's an invitation to grow. I don't succeed all the time but now I try to see how fulfilling deep needs for her, improves me as well. I invite you to both be aware of what needs you are truly asking your partner to fulfill and how fulfilling needs for your partner can be a gift for both of you. |
AuthorJosh Stern is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #96003 located in the Bay Area Archives
November 2019
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