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What's the point of looking deeper into your fears, your sadness, or your anger? Your life is full enough with work, relationships, responsibilities, kids, etc. that it sure appears there just isn't time to indulge your emotions, particularly the annoying ones we just don't want to deal with in the first place. So why do it? Why should you do deep tough emotional work?
Just as you have an automatic nervous system, or an automatic respiratory system, you also have an unconscious psychological system working hard inside of you. This system has tons of rules, self-beliefs, world views, and everyday strategies making meaning of your daily life and dictating your daily responses and actions. It's running 24/7 and has an imprint on every moment of every day. This system has been built by parental influence, how your needs were met or not met particularly in childhood, by difficult experiences throughout your life, and by your own internal make-up. It's malleable but becomes fairly concrete as it grows unconsciously. It tells you how you feel in general, how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about people and the world around you. Unfortunately, this mighty system has a major flaw. Imagine being a hammer. It's a great identity when you are dealing with nails but when the world turns to screws and you keep hammering, what do you think happens? What about if there is a fire, what are you going to do then? That's our unconscious psychological system and it got designed by and for a specific circumstance. On its own, it is not very good at being flexible. Left to its own devices, it can be fairly rigid. Why am I talking about your unconscious psychological system when the title of this blog was inspiring you to do tough emotional work? Through my experience, it is our emotional experiences that lead us to be able to see the wiring of our psychological system. And once we see our wiring, we can rewire ourselves. We can heal. We can change. We can have agency and choice about who we want to be and how we want to see the world. We can learn to be a screwdriver, a bucket of water, or any other tool needed. But we have to do deep tough emotional work to get there. Here's where I try to inspire you. On the other side are so so so many wonderful things: greater freewill; greater ability to enjoy; more choice; more agency; greater capacity to truly live in the present; greater ability to get your needs met; greater ability to live your true and full potential; and greater ability to adapt to different circumstances. And here's my pep talk. You can do this. You can have the life you truly desire. It's there for the taking... you just need to look inward, feel deeply, and brave the unknown. There is so much worth waiting on the other side for you. Do not fear your tough emotions, they are here for a reason. They don't want to make your life worse, they want to guide you towards yourself. They want to help you see your unconscious psychological system. They want to empower you. Do the deep tough emotional work, you won't regret it.
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I wish I had the power to remove all suffering from the world. I wish I could convince people who looked differently, acted differently, believed differently to still connect with open hearts. I wish I could rid the world of racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, islamophobia, anti-semitism, and other beliefs of mistrust and systems of oppression. I wish I could stop fear. I wish I could snap my fingers and have everyone exist as their highest and most beautiful selves. I wish I could eliminate poverty. I wish I could have each person relate to each other through the pain we share, not the stories we make up.
There is a lot of anger and hurt and division right now. I do not have the answers. I try to stay in my heart. I try to listen deeply. I try to slow down. I try to honor my emotions but not be lead astray by them. I try to have hope. I try to learn. I try to remember that I can change the world and myself. I try to stay open. I try to stay focused on my beliefs and intentions. I try to motivate myself to continue to fight for what I believe is right. I try to cry for suffering that isn't mine. I try to take care of myself. I try to take each new day, each new challenge, each new success, and each new failure as they come and not get too ahead of myself. I wish, I try, I feel, and I hope... You already know what I'm about to tell you. The secret to a happier life isn't a secret at all. You just need to be reminded and it won't ask that much of you. If you are anything like me, the day can get pretty filled up with lots of concrete things clamoring for your attention. What's on my agenda today? What items need to be checked off my list? Who needs this or that? Get here by this time and there by that time. Kids fed. Check. Emails answered. Check. Groceries. Check. Bills. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. But what if instead of standing in the shower worrying about all that has to get done, you took one minute to feel each water drop hit you skin?  What if as you sit at your desk all day long doing things, you took a few minutes to look deeply and anew at the things that sit there all day with you?  What if for five minutes a day, you reminded yourself to stop and be in awe of the world around you?  How might your life change?
"You're not happy, you need to do this. No, not that. Try this. Better be worried about your work. It is all on your shoulders whether you succeed. Where is your next client gonna come from? Is your relationship going well? Try harder. Do more. You're freaking out. Stop freaking out. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah."
If you are like me, your mind doesn't shut up. Most days, my mind has big plans. Focus on this, be worried about that, and on it goes. "What a beautiful sunny day. We're so lucky to live in California. Don't worry, you are destined to be a therapist and clients will come. You are surrounded by good friends and family. The world will help you and you are not alone in facing your struggles. (the sound of a violins playing)" Guess who that is? My heart has so much more peace and trust. Even writing that, I feel better. Big difference, right? And yet for me, someone designed this human experience to continue to pull me to my head (BTW I want a word with them at some point... I'd like to give them a piece of my mind- pun intended). It is so much darker in my head. There is such a drastic change in how I feel about my life when I live there. And so I have learned (and am learning) to do a daily practice of bringing myself back to my heart. My heart knows that short of starving and being homeless, there is a lot going right in my life. My heart knows how to truly live in the moment and not get lost in the fears of what might be lost or what has yet to come. My heart knows how not to think about my life but to feel and live it. When I tap into my heart, I can truly and deeply feel warmth, connection, and faith. I rarely want to punch my heart in the mouth. And so I offer this insight from my life to you as I imagine we probably share some similarities. For me, taking a run in the sunshine and stopping at the ocean helps me reconnect to my heart. And reconnecting to my heart changes everything. What's your practice? Recently I had the pleasure of presenting a Pecha Kucha style presentation at the Albany Community Center. For those that don't know (and I didn't until I did it) a Pecha Kucha presentation is where an individual has 20 slides and 20 seconds per slide to talk about their topic. I chose fatherhood and I hope you enjoy my presentation: Relationships make us feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. There are a multitude of stages: the honeymoon period, dating, marriage, children, etc. However, throughout it all, there is an inevitable pressure both men and women put on their partners (regardless of sexual orientation) and it's "be what I need you to be so I feel _____ ." And boy do we fight for what we need and dig our feet in and do this on both sides, landing in that age old tug'o'war that relationships experience. Usually that blank has to do with whatever wound is leftover from our childhood. In many ways, we ask our partners to be the "parent" that we didn't have... not necessarily be our parent but do what they didn't do for us. The humor of life is that ironically we often date individuals that mirror the same aspects as our parents so that pressure is even more twisted: "be what I need you to be so I feel ______... even though it isn't in your nature to do what I need." And why do you think a lot of relationships don't get out of the dating stage :)
But there's hope! What I am learning from my marriage is not only my attempt to support my partner in her needs is the very definition of commitment and love, but it actually pushes me to be a better and more well rounded person. And that's important. A problem I experience is I often go to the feeling of it as a demand but really it's an invitation to grow. I don't succeed all the time but now I try to see how fulfilling deep needs for her, improves me as well. I invite you to both be aware of what needs you are truly asking your partner to fulfill and how fulfilling needs for your partner can be a gift for both of you. If you are human, and like myself, you probably make New Year Resolutions that you end up not fulfilling. Why is that?
How to change is a topic that everyone deals with in their life. Countless books are sold yearly with tips and tricks and we all make countless attempts at it only to find ourselves back to where we once began. It's my belief that this is the case because we end up focusing too much on the specific change versus the environment we live in. We try to change ourselves in isolation instead of first changing or deepening our support systems . No one changes without being safe first and safety comes from who and what is around us. It comes from support. Let's step back for a second. Usually it is our internal emotional world that lets us know something is off. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling depressed. I'm itchy in my skin. I'm bored. I want to lose weight. I want to learn (fill in the blank). The list goes on. Here is where we find the motivation, desire, and ultimately the direction of change. However, the mistake we make is placing the ability to change in this internal realm too. Don't get me wrong, you and I have an incredible internal ability to change; however, it is support that opens full access to it. Changing means being uncomfortable. Changing means making mistakes. Changing means falling down or regressing. In these places, we absolutely and fundamentally need support to continue forward. Like the child learning to walk, the parent is a necessary part of the process in being the one to help brush off the bruises. This is how and why therapy works. It helps to create an external support system, and thus creates the environment for real change to be possible. So on January 1st, instead of the usual "I'm going to change _____ about myself" tell yourself: "I'm going to use my friendship with so and so in order to change ______" or "I'm going to get involved in that yoga class in support of feeling more ______" or (add your success story to the comments on what externally supported you to change). |
AuthorJosh Stern is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #96003 located in the Bay Area Archives
November 2019
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