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"You're not happy, you need to do this. No, not that. Try this. Better be worried about your work. It is all on your shoulders whether you succeed. Where is your next client gonna come from? Is your relationship going well? Try harder. Do more. You're freaking out. Stop freaking out. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah."
If you are like me, your mind doesn't shut up. Most days, my mind has big plans. Focus on this, be worried about that, and on it goes. "What a beautiful sunny day. We're so lucky to live in California. Don't worry, you are destined to be a therapist and clients will come. You are surrounded by good friends and family. The world will help you and you are not alone in facing your struggles. (the sound of a violins playing)" Guess who that is? My heart has so much more peace and trust. Even writing that, I feel better. Big difference, right? And yet for me, someone designed this human experience to continue to pull me to my head (BTW I want a word with them at some point... I'd like to give them a piece of my mind- pun intended). It is so much darker in my head. There is such a drastic change in how I feel about my life when I live there. And so I have learned (and am learning) to do a daily practice of bringing myself back to my heart. My heart knows that short of starving and being homeless, there is a lot going right in my life. My heart knows how to truly live in the moment and not get lost in the fears of what might be lost or what has yet to come. My heart knows how not to think about my life but to feel and live it. When I tap into my heart, I can truly and deeply feel warmth, connection, and faith. I rarely want to punch my heart in the mouth. And so I offer this insight from my life to you as I imagine we probably share some similarities. For me, taking a run in the sunshine and stopping at the ocean helps me reconnect to my heart. And reconnecting to my heart changes everything. What's your practice?
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 Being an adult can kind of suck, right? All this responsibility crap: I have bills to pay, work to do, and chores around the house. And don't get me started on stress? Not only is there the daily stuff but then I worry about this and am exhausted by that.
Adding to my chaos is my three-year-old son Tobias. Yes, thank you for your sympathy. However, the more I watch my son, the more I realize that he has something really valuable to teach me. He has some real wisdom even as a young child. We all have such wisdom as kids. In youth, we knew something that we often forget as adults... the power of play. When my son wakes up, one of the first things he says is, "come play with me." COME PLAY WITH ME. That's how he starts each and every day! That's how he manages the sadness of when I have to go to work. That's how he manages the chaos of not knowing a lot about what's happening around him. That's how he manages the things that scare him. Come play with me. Pretty powerful words if you ask me. Think about how you feel when you play? Think about how you hold struggle or challenges? Think about where you heart, mind, and soul are when you are playing? Exactly. It changes the color of the day. It brings a lightness that is so readily available in children that seems to be harder to find as adults. It often doesn't even matter to Tobias what play we do, just that we play. We can read books. We can build blocks. We can fly airplanes around the room. I've come to discover that "come play with me" is really more about a state of being than a specific event. It's about us being together. Enjoying ourselves and each other. Exploring the world. Trying on different roles and experiences. Not getting too attached to any one thing. It's really at its heart about connecting to a certain way of feeling about oneself and the world around us. So my challenge to you is to bring play back into your life. Bring play to those chores. Bring play to your work. Bring play to therapy. You will be a happier human being for you will reconnect to a vital and deeply wired state of your soul... ask any child. So come play with me. I currently have space available on Mondays and Thursdays in San Francisco and Wednesdays in El Cerrito. I write today in the name of marriage and to discuss what seems to be a golden opportunity for all of us. First off, I must take a moment to honor the struggle, pain, suffering, and resilience of the LGBTQI community. I'm deeply sorry for the path it took to get us here (and for the struggle that will still continue). I understand human nature's fear of the other and power structures use for dividing us but it will never justify the reality of sorrow that it creates. I can only hope that together we continue to march forward faster and with more purpose towards love, acceptance, and interconnection.
In light of this historic moment, I write to ask that we all use this opportunity to examine what "marriage" really means in American society today. As a couple's counselor, I see the myth of marriage cause strife and struggle to many a relationship. "All you need is love" and "Happily ever after" are distortions that impact marriage. While we expand the notion of who can get married, let us also expand the notion of just what marriage is... and let us expand that notion to hold it as a lot of work, as unpleasant at times, and most definitely as something that is not a fairy tale. Yes it is love that lifts us up to wanting to make a declaration of that love through the commitment of marriage (and I'm so glad all people now have the right to make that declaration) but that euphoria is only one stage of many in the road of marriage. And there are many stages. Beauty and attraction change. Who we are changes. Our wants and goals change. It's hard enough to sometimes do this alone but add doing it with another and it can get complicated. Add kids to the mix. Say it with me, marriage can be hard. So while we rejoice as a nation, let us also use this opportunity to talk openly and honestly about what marriage is, what are its pros and cons, what people really need to know before entering such a commitment, and how best to make it strong for each and every one of us. I personally look forward to learning a lot from the LGBTQI community on this topic. Recently I had the pleasure of presenting a Pecha Kucha style presentation at the Albany Community Center. For those that don't know (and I didn't until I did it) a Pecha Kucha presentation is where an individual has 20 slides and 20 seconds per slide to talk about their topic. I chose fatherhood and I hope you enjoy my presentation: Relationships make us feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. There are a multitude of stages: the honeymoon period, dating, marriage, children, etc. However, throughout it all, there is an inevitable pressure both men and women put on their partners (regardless of sexual orientation) and it's "be what I need you to be so I feel _____ ." And boy do we fight for what we need and dig our feet in and do this on both sides, landing in that age old tug'o'war that relationships experience. Usually that blank has to do with whatever wound is leftover from our childhood. In many ways, we ask our partners to be the "parent" that we didn't have... not necessarily be our parent but do what they didn't do for us. The humor of life is that ironically we often date individuals that mirror the same aspects as our parents so that pressure is even more twisted: "be what I need you to be so I feel ______... even though it isn't in your nature to do what I need." And why do you think a lot of relationships don't get out of the dating stage :)
But there's hope! What I am learning from my marriage is not only my attempt to support my partner in her needs is the very definition of commitment and love, but it actually pushes me to be a better and more well rounded person. And that's important. A problem I experience is I often go to the feeling of it as a demand but really it's an invitation to grow. I don't succeed all the time but now I try to see how fulfilling deep needs for her, improves me as well. I invite you to both be aware of what needs you are truly asking your partner to fulfill and how fulfilling needs for your partner can be a gift for both of you.  Before I was a father, I thought I would be the teacher. Now, I know I'm the student (lesson #1). Here are other things my son has taught me:
Poop is just another thing to be grabbed out of the bathtub. Morning is a state of mind so why can't the day start at 2am? A six day old has a stronger will than you and it only gets stronger. Play is the best way to learn. Human beings are DEFINITELY emotional creatures. "NO" is way more powerful than anything else imaginable... however eventually you realize you also have the power of no. That first giggle, that first hug, that first (fill-in the blank)... basically pure joy is healing and addictive AND pure joy for one hour can somehow make you tolerate twenty-three hours of hell (almost). You will do anything to keep your child asleep... like push a swing by hand for two hours in the middle of the night or take a half an hour walking as quietly as possible to the bathroom ten feet away from your bed (both ways). Ultimately fatherhood is a trip with lots of ups and downs and the greatest lesson of all is: I am limited, I make mistakes, I am human and I'll try to do my best/better tomorrow. With love to Tobias. You are a great teacher. If you are human, and like myself, you probably make New Year Resolutions that you end up not fulfilling. Why is that?
How to change is a topic that everyone deals with in their life. Countless books are sold yearly with tips and tricks and we all make countless attempts at it only to find ourselves back to where we once began. It's my belief that this is the case because we end up focusing too much on the specific change versus the environment we live in. We try to change ourselves in isolation instead of first changing or deepening our support systems . No one changes without being safe first and safety comes from who and what is around us. It comes from support. Let's step back for a second. Usually it is our internal emotional world that lets us know something is off. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling depressed. I'm itchy in my skin. I'm bored. I want to lose weight. I want to learn (fill in the blank). The list goes on. Here is where we find the motivation, desire, and ultimately the direction of change. However, the mistake we make is placing the ability to change in this internal realm too. Don't get me wrong, you and I have an incredible internal ability to change; however, it is support that opens full access to it. Changing means being uncomfortable. Changing means making mistakes. Changing means falling down or regressing. In these places, we absolutely and fundamentally need support to continue forward. Like the child learning to walk, the parent is a necessary part of the process in being the one to help brush off the bruises. This is how and why therapy works. It helps to create an external support system, and thus creates the environment for real change to be possible. So on January 1st, instead of the usual "I'm going to change _____ about myself" tell yourself: "I'm going to use my friendship with so and so in order to change ______" or "I'm going to get involved in that yoga class in support of feeling more ______" or (add your success story to the comments on what externally supported you to change). For some reason we seem to forget the full levels of our strength and capacity as human beings. I see it in myself, my friends and family, and in my clients. As we get older, we understandably protect ourselves from pain and discomfort. Unlike the child, we remember and we begin to fear. We do all sorts of things, even things not in our best interest, in the name of protection. However, I'm here to remind us, you and I, that we are actually very strong. That in reality, we and others can go through extreme levels of adversity and come out not only the other side but even in better positions than believed possible. Our hearts yearn for growth and transformation and only lead us where we are capable. It is our mind, our memories, our pain that stop us but I'm here to say it is okay to let go. Your strength is there. You will be okay.
Anxiety can be a tough emotional experience at times for all of us; however, there are some simple, cheap, and effective ways of working with it. Here are some reminders of effective ways to work with anxiety that I have found to be helpful for myself and my clients:
EXERCISE Exercise is well known to help stabilize all sorts of emotional states. This is definitely true for anxiousness and as little as twenty minutes a day can make a difference. MOVE Anxiety contracts and constricts the body and can even move one towards freezing in place. By moving, we help anxious energy move around and be released. Stretch. Jump up and down. Simply getting back inside of your body can be a powerful release from the grip anxiety can hold. COME BACK TO THE PRESENT Anxiety is often about the past or future and definitely pulls us away from the present. Look around. Get in touch with your present environment. Feel your feet on the ground. Count the different shades of blue around you. Any activity that brings you back to the present will also help to ease anxious tensions. KEEP IT SIMPLE Anxiety often lives in the big picture: I'm going to lose my job; I'm never going to find a relationship; I'm going to breakdown; etc. Thus, turn your thoughts to what you are doing exactly at that specific time and your capacity to do it. Can I eat my breakfast right now? Can I get on the bus to go to work? Can I tie my shoelaces? Usually the answer is yes to the simple act in front of you and the anxiety doesn't live right there. SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT Isolation and going it alone only increases anxiety. Share what you are going through with friends, family members, neighbors, and strangers. Remember we have all experienced anxiety in some shape and form. Falling into a resting space from others can do wonders for anxiety. Human touch is crucial so don't forget to simply hold someone's hand, get a hug, or ask for your back to be rubbed. NATURE Get outside. Go anywhere you feel a sense of calmness: a park, the beach, the mountains, etc. Connection to trees can be very powerful for they symbolize stability and groundedness (two things very important to the digestion of anxious energy). |
AuthorJosh Stern is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #96003 located in the Bay Area Archives
November 2019
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